Brother Mine
by iffulovedme
Summary: Tezuka/Fuji. Fujicest. Yuuta's 20 Ways of Saying "I Love You" Without Acutally Saying It.
1. I

Impressions

At school Syusuke is called distant. Yuuta doesn't have the slightest clue why; for Syusuke is nothing but warm and familiar to him. Girls and boys alike call him heartless but say they are willing to take that chance. Yuuta thinks, if Syusuke is so heartless then I'll just have to give him my heart. Everyone agrees he's a tensai: at school, at sports, at life. This is nothing new. Yuuta has made the study of Syusuke into an art form. Syusuke's good at tennis and Yuuta is good at analyzing Syusuke. When people enter his room, they eye the sticky notes with curiosity (but not nearly as much when they enter Syusuke's room and discover his obsession for cacti). Yuuta doesn't blame them; it's not their fault they can't understand the absolute truth of Yuuta's life; that there is nothing else for him.

Syusuke is the Tezuka Zone into which Yuuta can only be drawn.

First

Yuuta doesn't remember, but is often told, that his first word was bro-ver. Syusuke was there when Yuuta opened his eyes for the first time. When their eyes met, Yuuta smiled his first smile. That's Syusuke's eyes were open at all… Enough said. Syusuke's never told anyone but Yuuta that he felt something twist pleasantly in his chest when he met those orbs of glittering hazel. One glance was all it took.

A bond was made. Of unwavering loyalty. Of endless love.

Future

Syusuke sits there, impassive as his future is being debated.

Yuuta can't stand it. Why doesn't Syusuke do something? Anything. Why doesn't he take control of his life? Yuuta wants to cry. Wants to shake Syusuke but doesn't dare; Syusuke doesn't like to be touched. He doesn't want Syusuke going to Seigaku. Doesn't want him going anywhere, period.

But Syusuke says nothing. Yuuta wonders, does he want to go? He looks at Syusuke's face. It is closed off, his eyes are distant. Apparently, he's not even in the room. He's in _that_ place.

Alone

Syusuke gets this look sometimes and Yuuta has long stopped trying to talk to Syusuke when he's like this. He knows that nothing he says or do will get through to him. If it was a lesser person, Yuuta would call it zoning out. But he's not and it's not, but rather something else entirely. Syusuke is in another world. Yuuta wonders if Syusuke ever gets lonely there. (He adamantly refuses to believe Syusuke would bring someone else with him to a place Yuuta's never been himself.)

Yuuta presumes Syusuke goes to this place when he wants peace. (Because it's Syusuke, Yuuta is betting anything it's a tennis court) A place where Syusuke can get away from everything for a while. But not Yuuta, never Yuuta.

Busy

Syusuke is busy now and rarely has time of Yuuta anymore. Yuuta knows Syusuke, being three years older, has more homework; needs to prepare for exams and has other commitments like the tennis club. He doesn't have time to entertain his little brother. Still, Yuuta really wishes, during the increasingly rare moments they have together, that Syusuke would pay attention to him. At the very least, he wants Syusuke to take him along to that place no one else has ever been before. (The tennis court probably has cacti all around it).


	2. Will

Loyalty

Yuuta is always secretly pleased when Syusuke chooses to spend the day with him instead of playing tennis. Of course, they end of playing tennis on the clay courts, but that isn't the point. Yuuta will never say so, if only because it will upset Syusuke, that he doesn't like Syusuke's friends at the club. Oishi is okay but the rest scare him. Yuuta doesn't understand how a person can be so flexible, the hissing freaks him out, he' never seen a person eat so much so quickly (good thing he has his Dunk Smash otherwise he'd completely lose Yuuta's respect), the 'burning' scares him, and the brat is just damn annoying (ignoring the fact that said brat beat him is apropos of othing). All in all, apart form his brother, the Seigaku regulars are strange. Eiji clings to him (Syusuke needs space), the aforementioned plus Momo and Kaidoh are too loud (Syusuke needs quiet for his mind to think) and most of all, Syusuke needs someone who will understand him as much as Yuuta does. He wonders if it is bad that it heartens him to know that such a person doesn't exist.

Oishi can try to understand Syusuke, but it's not the same and Tezuka… Yuuta doesn't really know why but he does not like Tezuka. It's surprising; Tezuka seems to be an excellent buchou, if a little cold. And yes, there is the fact that Tezuka doesn't seem to have feelings at all (Yuuta has heard rumors but has yet to see him smile or laugh or do anything other than stare off into the distance), but aside from finding sardonic amusement in making people run laps, Yuuta is mystified. There's nothing wrong with a warped sense of humor, if his brother's anything to go by, but Yuuta can honestly say that he does not like Tezuka and, just as strongly, hasn't the faintest clue why.

Blasphemy

Yuuta doesn't know it, but Syusuke is well aware of how Yuuta feels. It is for this reason that Syusuke deliberately chooses Yuuta over the tennis club. He doesn't care that Tezuka will make him run laps the next day; he knows Tezuka will never kick him off the team. Besides, Tezuka is aware of the bond between the brothers. When Tezuka asked (in a rare display of emotion) heatedly which was more important, tennis or Yuuta and all he got were two blazing chips of azure…Well, no one could say that Tezuka didn't know a lost cause when he found one. Syusuke learned something that day, too. Apparently, even Tezuka knew when to step off.

Tensai

Syusuke will always outshine him. Always. With girls (or boys), sports, grades, and their parents' approval. If this is a game, Syusuke wins every time. Yuuta likes to think he lets Syusuke win, but knows it isn't true. All Yuuta can do is try to keep up and not get left behind. But, if Syusuke ever truly wanted to leave, Yuuta knows he will lose that game, too.

Abandon

Yuuta runs home after school. It is a two mile walk and he sprints the entire way. He can't remember why he's annoyed at Syusuke, just that he is, and then decides it doesn't matter anyway. All that does matter is getting things straightened out. Because Syusuke is not going to America for college. He doesn't care that it's for photography, the proclaimed love of Syusuke's life. (This part admittedly confuses Yuuta as well as several others. Yuuta wonders, never aloud, wasn't Syusuke all about tennis?) He isn't. Yuuta won't allow it.

He meets Syusuke coming off the bus. The fact that his eyes are open tells Yuuta that Syusuke knows he knows. Syusuke doesn't say anything but he looks apologetic, resigned. Suddenly, Yuuta remembers why he is mad and stalks away. If he had stayed a moment longer, he would have broken down and begged for Syusuke to stay. It goes without saying that this is unacceptable. Yuuta wants to howl, but doesn't because he doesn't want Syusuke to think he cares.

Syusuke is gone before Yuuta is awake. Yuuta doesn't cry; Syusuke wouldn't approve.

Rain

Yuuta has never seen Syusuke cry. Never. He isn't sure Syusuke is able to. Crying is beneath him, Yuuta has decided. He tries to be like that, stoic and indifferent. Nonetheless, the tears come, refusing to heed him; Yuuta can always blame it on the rain.


	3. Never

Reunion

Syusuke makes a habit of not returning home from college during vacations. Understandably, when Yuuta comes home to find Syusuke sitting on the couch one Thanksgiving, that he is shocked is an understatement. So shocked, in fact, that all he can do is stand in the doorway, staring with his mouth open at what he swore was an illusion.

"I went to pick you up at school but you weren't there." Syusuke's voice, while still gentle, is deeper, the planes of his face are sharper... and, Yuuta thinks dazedly, he's never looked more beautiful. But it's a haunting beauty, the bluish tinge under Syusuke's eyes showing that college is getting to him. Yuuta is pleased to note that he only has to tilt his head a little to meet Syusuke's eyes.

Yuuta blinks. He thought he'd seen Syusuke in the parking lot, but hadn't thought anything of it. He's dreamed of seeing Syusuke again since the day he left. For the past two years, Yuuta has been torn between forgetting Syusuke ever existed and pining for a day that, until now, had seemed like it would never come.

Syusuke stands and Yuuta drops his backpack. He runs into the arms that he knows are waiting for him. Syusuke is warm and familiar, just how Yuuta remembers him.

Promise

They are sitting in the living room, the TV on but neither are paying attention to what's on. Syusuke has that look on but Yuuta doesn't mind. Instead, he leans back on the couch, content. He can't help thinking, now this is the way it's supposed to be.

"I'll be back this summer," Syusuke says, not looking at Yuuta, apparently back from wherever he went to.  
"Okay." Yuuta thinks it will never be summer fast enough.  
"Come visit me sometime." It's not a question.  
"Okay." Yuuta contemplates visiting the next weekend.

This time when Syusuke leaves, Yuuta doesn't cry.

World

For such a long time, it had just been the two of them. And Yuuta had been sure there was nothing that could come between them. Not even Syusuke's tennis team. They could try, but it would be in vain. Syusuke will always choose me, Yuuta thinks smugly. He is certain that he is as much the center of Syusuke's world as he is Yuuta's. That is, until he came along (or is it back?).

Him

Syusuke brings Tezuka home the Thanksgiving of his junior year. Yuuta nearly falls off the couch. He almost doesn't recognize the stoic ex-buchou of Seigaku. Tezuka's light brown eyes can be seen clearly without his glasses. Yuuta supposes this can only be a good thing; the glasses must've been getting in the way of tennis. Getting over his surprise, Yuuta's guard springs to life and remembers (still bewildered) that he does not like Tezuka.

Tezuka is different now and Yuuta can't figure out why but knows it's not just the glasses. Then it hits him; Tezuka's eyes seem to be almost…shining (which does interesting things to Yuuta's stomach but then he remembers he does not like Tezuka). But that's not all, Tezuka is smiling at Syusuke (so the rumors were true after all; Tezuka can smile) He's actually holding Syusuke's hand under the dinner table (Yuuta dropped his napkin on the floor accidentally on purpose because he had to see what was making Syusuke blush- and immediately regretted it). It too strange; Yuuta doesn't know where to begin to analyze his feelings. He feels like he's hit his funny bone; he wants to laugh but thinks he might cry instead.

Complementary

The most horrible thing is that it makes sense. Tezuka is quiet and smart. He isn't the type to let Syusuke step all over him but he isn't going to fawn over him either. Being incredible at tennis, Tezuka isn't as phased by the tensai aspect of Syusuke. He likes (Yuuta refuses to believe Tezuka loves Syusuke) Syusuke enough that he won't complain when Syusuke spends time with Yuuta.

Yuuta hates to admit it, hates to admit he's noticed, that Tezuka Kunimitsu is quite handsome. His form is powerful from playing tennis, his light brown eyes are strangely innocent, and his face, while angular, is softer without his glasses. Yuuta wonders how many people have realized Tezuka is handsome without his glasses. Yuuta fights his spreading blush as he realizes he's been staring at Tezuka for a few minutes and Tezuka is staring straight back at him.

Maybe this is why he never liked Tezuka. Maybe because Yuuta knew that one Tezuka Kunimitsu was the perfect match for Syusuke Fuji.

Yuuta is at a loss. He can see a difference in Syusuke already. His smiles aren't forced, and his eyes are open, softer, than Yuuta is used to. If Yuuta didn't know, he'd say Syusuke was sick. (If anything, Yuuta's the one who feels ill.) But he does know.

Syusuke is in love, or thinks he is. Even though he knows he shouldn't, Yuuta feels somehow wronged. Fighting off the urge to throw up, Yuuta excuses himself from the table.


	4. Let

Confrontation

It is Syusuke's senior year of college. They are sitting on Syusuke's bed in his dorm room in silence. It's been like this for the past hour since Yuuta arrived. He did not seem remotely surprised to see his younger brother at his door, but that was Syusuke for you.

"You're my brother, mine," Yuuta whispers at last. "I won't share you with anyone." He hopes and fears that Syusuke has heard him. It's stupid; Yuuta knows Syusuke doesn't belong to anyone.

Syusuke remains quiet for a moment, and Yuuta worries he's gone to that place, when he leans over to ruffle Yuuta's hair. He doesn't protest like he used to; what's the point?  
Syusuke has always done as he pleased.

"Yuuta," Syusuke sighs. "What we have is special. No one else will ever be a part of it. But we're growing up. You'll be going to college soon; you don't need a brother to watch over you anymore. And no," he shakes his head as Yuuta opens his mouth, "you were never a burden to me."

Yuuta thinks, liar. He looks up at the ceiling and doesn't see Syusuke's wistful smile.

Climax

Yuuta leaves, passing Tezuka on the way out. He can't look at him. You took him away from me, Yuuta silently accuses. You-  
"Hey, Yuuta. Can I talk to you for a moment?" Yuuta finds Tezuka's voice irritating.  
"What?" Yuuta refuses to be interested.  
"I know how close the two of you are. He talks about you all the time." Yuuta hates the way Tezuka's eyes light up when he talks about Syusuke.  
"Yeah?" Yuuta hates himself for sounding so hopeful. "Do you love him?" Yuuta wants to know. If he's going to lose, he has to make sure it is to someone who will love him as Yuuta can not. He is afraid to ask, does he love you? If so, is it more than he loves me?

Tezuka blushes faintly (Yuuta refuses to find this charming) but doesn't look away. "I know you think I'm going to take him away, make him choose. But you probably know I can't do anything to Syusuke unless he lets me. And I'll never make him choose; I'm not stupid. I know he'd choose you in a heart beat."

"Good," is all Yuuta can say and before he says anything stupid, walks away.


	5. You

Flying Solo

So, Yuuta thinks on the plane ride back, they expect him to share Syusuke. Not happening. It's not enough that he knows that Syusuke would; he wants Syusuke to choose him all over again. But…and here his thoughts falter…Syusuke expects him to be a man (and this knowledge makes Yuuta straighten his posture). He's decided; he'll let Syusuke go even if it hurts. Even more than he wants Syusuke all to himself, he wants to show that he is listening, learning, growing. Yuuta wants to be the man that Syusuke sees in him.

Victory

Yuuta doesn't write his observations and musings about Syusuke anymore down anymore. After destroying them (the very night he'd been introduced to him, in fact), Yuuta thinks its best to keep his notes to himself. It's not that Yuuta minds other people looking at them, but something about Tezuka reading some things that has taken Yuuta months to figure out doesn't sit well with him. After a while, Yuuta realizes it's easier this way. His notes aren't in any particular order but they make sense to him. If Syusuke had the ability to see into other people's minds (Syusuke has assured Yuuta several times that he can't) Yuuta knows he'd be able to make sense of it, too.

He's tempted, out of habit, to write down one particular musing though. He wants to see it in writing, what he's found out. It's taken him forever, but Yuuta's finally able to deal with that look in a way that doesn't include pining. The method is surprising in its effectiveness; all he has to do is imagine he's wherever his brother is.

What fascinates Yuuta most about this discovery is that Syusuke had partially given him the answer a long, long time ago. Upon asked how he could always find Yuuta during an intense round of hide-and-go-seek, Syusuke had shrugged and replied, "It's simple. All I do is imagine where I would go if I were you."

This response at the time had pleased Yuuta for many reasons. For one, Syusuke was not only thinking about him, but being him. For another, it was just so typically Syusuke; brilliant in it simplicity (Hah! As though Syusuke was simple and not the most complicated person Yuuta knew). Lastly, it delighted Yuuta to know they were thinking about each other at the same time.

Not that it was hard to do; Yuuta was forever thinking of his brother.


	6. Go

~Epilogue~

Syusuke is still called cold, heartless, and brilliant. He is still the sun of Yuuta's world.

Yuuta doesn't know it, but Syusuke loves him, too. Or maybe he does know, and that's why Yuuta can share him. He knows Syusuke would choose him if he asked, but Syusuke trusts him not to, so he doesn't. When they do get married, Yuuta, still a little bitter, can't help but gloat that he's seen the groom before the bride.

Yuuta will admit there are some things that will always remain a mystery to him. For example, how Tezuka of all people managed to capture the heart of the heartless is beyond him. I gave him that heart; he owes me, Yuuta thinks when he wants to comfort himself. He feels a strange urge to drag Tezuka onto the tennis courts and batter him into the ground with his Twist Spin Shot. He won't though; one is because Tezuka would win, and two, Syusuke has forbade him to use it.

He doesn't know why their bond is so strong; doesn't know why they never fight (okay, that's a lie but not really), and can't understand how or why Syusuke doesn't cry (Maybe he can't? The thought of Syusuke not being able to do anything is ridiculous and Yuuta gives up, adding it to the list of world mysteries yet to be solved). But, he's with Syusuke when he wears that look which is more than he'd ever hoped for. It's certainly more than anyone else can say.

Syusuke and Yuuta share something that Tezuka will never be a part of. And that, Yuuta thinks with satisfaction, is all that matters.


End file.
